Thinking of my miscarriage, I wanted to chronicle some of the things I've written in honor of our angel.
January 21, 2009
This week, we thought we'd be welcoming you into the world. Instead, we sit here with empty arms, fulfilled hearts and open minds.
I'll always yearn to know you; to love you in person. Instead, I must be content to love you from afar and meet you in heaven. Our love for you will only grow stronger with each passing moment, and our happiest day will be meeting you in heaven.
In my heart, I believe you're a boy, but in my mind I know you're simply and purely one of God's most beautiful angels.
Mommy & Daddy will love and cherish you forever. Our sweet, sweet baby, we love you more than words can say.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sorry moms, but Mother's Day sucks
I’m not looking forward to Mother’s Day this year.
Last year, I remember going to Hidden Lake on Saturday to celebrate with mom. It was beautiful, sunny. The next day, Mother’s Day, I took a home pregnancy test and discovered I was finally pregnant after 5 months of trying! The next day that line was much darker and soon after all the symptoms kicked in. I was so happy to feel so gross!
Three days after our 1st anniversary in June, I found out we were loosing the baby. My body didn’t reject it (no wonder) so after 4 more weeks, I finally elected to have a D&C. Two weeks after that, my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant with #4. It was my husband’s birthday and my body still hadn’t healed when I heard the news. It took a total of 78 days to stop bleeding, 104 before I had a natural period and could start trying to conceive again. It hurts to know we're the same age - she's on #4 and I'm 0 for 2.
In January, the month I would have been due, I had another loss; a chemical pregnancy.
Mother’s Day is currently ruined for me. We’re the only couple without a child in both sides of the family… I don’t want to celebrate with others… I just want to mourn our loss and try to get out of bed and function again the next day.
Last year, I remember going to Hidden Lake on Saturday to celebrate with mom. It was beautiful, sunny. The next day, Mother’s Day, I took a home pregnancy test and discovered I was finally pregnant after 5 months of trying! The next day that line was much darker and soon after all the symptoms kicked in. I was so happy to feel so gross!
Three days after our 1st anniversary in June, I found out we were loosing the baby. My body didn’t reject it (no wonder) so after 4 more weeks, I finally elected to have a D&C. Two weeks after that, my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant with #4. It was my husband’s birthday and my body still hadn’t healed when I heard the news. It took a total of 78 days to stop bleeding, 104 before I had a natural period and could start trying to conceive again. It hurts to know we're the same age - she's on #4 and I'm 0 for 2.
In January, the month I would have been due, I had another loss; a chemical pregnancy.
Mother’s Day is currently ruined for me. We’re the only couple without a child in both sides of the family… I don’t want to celebrate with others… I just want to mourn our loss and try to get out of bed and function again the next day.
Monday, April 20, 2009
60th Birthday .... ideas???
I need some seriously great ideas for my mother's 60th birthday in July.
I've got to do it up big.... she'll be done with chemo by then.... any ideas??
I need help!
I've got to do it up big.... she'll be done with chemo by then.... any ideas??
I need help!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Struggles of Faith
Let me say that I came into Christianity on my own—after my own hardships with abuse, illness, poverty, and loss. My brother and I went thru a difficult childhood with divorce/abuse/step-parents/half-siblings/etc., and no spiritual path to lead us. He became atheist—I became Christian. We took two different perspectives on life, obviously.
What I found was that God comes to you in crisis. The hard part may be that it’s not “obvious” that He’s there with you. You have terrible hardships that make it hard to see the “light at the end of the tunnel” but there is one—do not fear. When it’s hard to see God, look at your beautiful children and the husband you love. Look at the beauty of nature and your beloved pets. I know it can be incredibly difficult—but He will reward you if you continue to seek Him thru this struggle. When I miscarried, I honestly felt hatred and abandonment from the Lord. It took a long time, but I eventually came back and realized that our loss actually brought me to a stronger faith. It took a lot of work and desire on my part—but it happened and while I still grieve for our baby, I trust the Lord will provide for me again. He will provide for anyone who struggles—but only if you continue to believe and trust in Him.
Recently, my uncle was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and in his weakened state, insisted on going to church on Sunday. My mother (I suspect she’s atheist but she claims to be “spiritual”) said to me, “Why would he do that? He’s sick!”
My reply, “Don’t you see—God is calling to him. That’s why these things happen.”
It may seem harsh to some, but my view is that when bad things happen, that’s the time to become closer to the Lord. That’s the real test of faith—to trust and love thru hardship.
A struggle of ours has been my fertility/health issues and my husband’s job loss (out of work since Aug ’07) and it can be really difficult to have so much pressure on my shoulders. If something happens to me, we’ll have zero income and we’re in the state with the highest unemployment rate—hope is in short supply. At times, I feel lower than low and angry and how my life has turned out. I have to force myself to find something positive to focus on, but it’s worked for me. I need to keep going for our family’s sake—I have no choice! The thing is; God gave us Free Will as a test. Our choices and decisions bring us to Him or away from Him. For me, I chose to come to Him and my life, despite the hardship, has become the best it’s ever been. I hope everyone who struggles with faith can come to the same conclusion one day… but give yourself time. No one ever said life was easy and you’re seeing that first hand.
God bless you and yours. I’ll be thinking and praying for you.
What I found was that God comes to you in crisis. The hard part may be that it’s not “obvious” that He’s there with you. You have terrible hardships that make it hard to see the “light at the end of the tunnel” but there is one—do not fear. When it’s hard to see God, look at your beautiful children and the husband you love. Look at the beauty of nature and your beloved pets. I know it can be incredibly difficult—but He will reward you if you continue to seek Him thru this struggle. When I miscarried, I honestly felt hatred and abandonment from the Lord. It took a long time, but I eventually came back and realized that our loss actually brought me to a stronger faith. It took a lot of work and desire on my part—but it happened and while I still grieve for our baby, I trust the Lord will provide for me again. He will provide for anyone who struggles—but only if you continue to believe and trust in Him.
Recently, my uncle was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and in his weakened state, insisted on going to church on Sunday. My mother (I suspect she’s atheist but she claims to be “spiritual”) said to me, “Why would he do that? He’s sick!”
My reply, “Don’t you see—God is calling to him. That’s why these things happen.”
It may seem harsh to some, but my view is that when bad things happen, that’s the time to become closer to the Lord. That’s the real test of faith—to trust and love thru hardship.
A struggle of ours has been my fertility/health issues and my husband’s job loss (out of work since Aug ’07) and it can be really difficult to have so much pressure on my shoulders. If something happens to me, we’ll have zero income and we’re in the state with the highest unemployment rate—hope is in short supply. At times, I feel lower than low and angry and how my life has turned out. I have to force myself to find something positive to focus on, but it’s worked for me. I need to keep going for our family’s sake—I have no choice! The thing is; God gave us Free Will as a test. Our choices and decisions bring us to Him or away from Him. For me, I chose to come to Him and my life, despite the hardship, has become the best it’s ever been. I hope everyone who struggles with faith can come to the same conclusion one day… but give yourself time. No one ever said life was easy and you’re seeing that first hand.
God bless you and yours. I’ll be thinking and praying for you.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The Office--my version
What do you do with a completely annoying friend? Well, partly annoying—partly high maintenance.
The high maintenance refers to her attitude and constant need of reassurance. I work with the lady—and I love her—but sometimes it’s too much for my impatient mind to take.
An example from today’s surge of bitchiness:
Lenny emailed the boss and cc’d several others (including Ms. Attitude). Once boss replied to all, Ms. Attitude complained to me that “I have to get back in boss’ favor. Lenny is trying to push me out and make me look bad.”
Why, I asked?
“You don’t understand! Lenny only emailed the boss to piss me off!”
Um, okay. So I found myself assuring her that even if the boss likes Lenny, that doesn’t mean the boss can’t like her too. Are we in Jr. High School again?
My favorite email:
“Lenny and Rebecca are talking about me behind my back.”
Uh…Ms. Attitude, what do you think you’re doing right now?
Six hours into our 8 hour work day and I have received 32 emails from Ms. Attitude complaining of one injustice or another.
I feel obligated to mention that I’m 30 years old and Ms. Attitude is 48.
The high maintenance refers to her attitude and constant need of reassurance. I work with the lady—and I love her—but sometimes it’s too much for my impatient mind to take.
An example from today’s surge of bitchiness:
Lenny emailed the boss and cc’d several others (including Ms. Attitude). Once boss replied to all, Ms. Attitude complained to me that “I have to get back in boss’ favor. Lenny is trying to push me out and make me look bad.”
Why, I asked?
“You don’t understand! Lenny only emailed the boss to piss me off!”
Um, okay. So I found myself assuring her that even if the boss likes Lenny, that doesn’t mean the boss can’t like her too. Are we in Jr. High School again?
My favorite email:
“Lenny and Rebecca are talking about me behind my back.”
Uh…Ms. Attitude, what do you think you’re doing right now?
Six hours into our 8 hour work day and I have received 32 emails from Ms. Attitude complaining of one injustice or another.
I feel obligated to mention that I’m 30 years old and Ms. Attitude is 48.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Inspiring is their Middle Name
Anyone who is a fan of Extreme Home Makeover may remember a November episode featuring a Toledo, Ohio family. The father is a firefighter and their family has adopted a home full of boys—some from Haiti, some from Toledo—in addition to their own.
Well, this already amazing family is paying it forward.
A neighbor of theirs is now struggling with their own family health concerns. One parent is no longer able to work as they are in dialysis, waiting for a kidney transplant. The other parent is struggling with work, managing family appointments, etc., all with only one car.
Wonderful news! The EHM family has pledged dinner to their neighbors twice per week as well as finding them a car! Another firefighter had a used vehicle he was happy to donate to this well deserving family. They were happy to say that with the community gathering to help them in their time of need, they pledged to “pay it forward” for the rest of their lives.
We can all learn a lesson from this beautiful, caring family.
Well, this already amazing family is paying it forward.
A neighbor of theirs is now struggling with their own family health concerns. One parent is no longer able to work as they are in dialysis, waiting for a kidney transplant. The other parent is struggling with work, managing family appointments, etc., all with only one car.
Wonderful news! The EHM family has pledged dinner to their neighbors twice per week as well as finding them a car! Another firefighter had a used vehicle he was happy to donate to this well deserving family. They were happy to say that with the community gathering to help them in their time of need, they pledged to “pay it forward” for the rest of their lives.
We can all learn a lesson from this beautiful, caring family.
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Road to Crazy Town is Free and Clear
Driving down Telegraph toward work this morning, I came across yet another disgruntled middle aged wench. I was driving along at the correct speed and began getting closer to a slow moving beast just ahead of me. I took off the cruise control and glided up behind the dinosaur moving 5 miles under the posted speed limit. I, surprisingly conscientious for so early a morn, did not freak out with my typical road rage, but instead calmly thought “Well, I’ll be able to pass soon enough and I’m not running late anyway.” I did not tailgate by any means but (I admit, atypically) stayed a respectable distance back from the said dinosaur.
Then came the middle finger salute. This person actually stuck their arm outside a car window on a 30° day to flip me off. That is when I realized their entire back window and most of both side windows were covered in a thick layer of snow. How did (they) even see me!?! Just as I was wondering if someone in front of them was on the receiving end of their salute, their brake lights illuminated. The psycho hit their brakes! After a well deserved “What the fuck?!” I very much realized they were pi$$ed at ME! Oh…. NOW the tailgating begins…. WHY? Because the fucker hit their brakes! Now that I was actually tailgating (by their own actions) I got another “salute” from outside their driver window. (With so much snow on their back window, (they) couldn’t even “salute” me from inside their car…I’d have never seen it!
Now, I’m not confused at their actions, but pi$$ed. I slowed down to put more distance between our cars… and (they) hit the brakes again. So, I laid on my horn. What the hell are they doing!? After the brake lights went back off, (they) continued to travel even slower—now 45 mph in a 55 mph zone. Finally, I had a chance to pass…. and give my own salute! What did I see from the side of my car? An embittered middle-aged woman with hair and glasses reminiscent of 1984, along with the third appearance of her middle digit.
To Note: If you are a diving psychotic, please continue to dress appropriately so the rest of us can see you coming from a respectable distance. Also, please be considerate enough to clear snow from your car so you can salute people appropriately without risking frostbite on your precious middle digit.
Then came the middle finger salute. This person actually stuck their arm outside a car window on a 30° day to flip me off. That is when I realized their entire back window and most of both side windows were covered in a thick layer of snow. How did (they) even see me!?! Just as I was wondering if someone in front of them was on the receiving end of their salute, their brake lights illuminated. The psycho hit their brakes! After a well deserved “What the fuck?!” I very much realized they were pi$$ed at ME! Oh…. NOW the tailgating begins…. WHY? Because the fucker hit their brakes! Now that I was actually tailgating (by their own actions) I got another “salute” from outside their driver window. (With so much snow on their back window, (they) couldn’t even “salute” me from inside their car…I’d have never seen it!
Now, I’m not confused at their actions, but pi$$ed. I slowed down to put more distance between our cars… and (they) hit the brakes again. So, I laid on my horn. What the hell are they doing!? After the brake lights went back off, (they) continued to travel even slower—now 45 mph in a 55 mph zone. Finally, I had a chance to pass…. and give my own salute! What did I see from the side of my car? An embittered middle-aged woman with hair and glasses reminiscent of 1984, along with the third appearance of her middle digit.
To Note: If you are a diving psychotic, please continue to dress appropriately so the rest of us can see you coming from a respectable distance. Also, please be considerate enough to clear snow from your car so you can salute people appropriately without risking frostbite on your precious middle digit.
Welcome to Chronicles of Neurotic-A
Allow me to explain:
1. An extended account in prose or verse of historical events, sometimes including legendary material, presented in chronological order and without authorial interpretation or comment.
2. A detailed narrative record or report.
3. Chronicles (used with a sing. verb) Abbr. Chr. or
Chron. chron·i·cling , chron·i·cles To in or in the form of a historical record.
neu-rot-ic (noo-rot-ik)
–adjective
1. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of neurosis.
–noun
2. a neurotic person.
-A (Plainly, I'm an extremely Type-A person)
Since researchers started studying Type A personality over 50 years ago, it’s become a household term. Most people now know that Type A personality characteristics have something to do with being competitive and work-obsessed, and can bring an increased risk of health problems, but it’s not always understood exactly what traits constitute “Type A Behavior”, or exactly how these traits impact health and wellbeing.
So, that's it. I'll be displaying my complete and total neurotic ramblings very soon. To be continued!
Chronicles of Neurotic-A
chron·i·cle (krŏn'ĭ-kal)1. An extended account in prose or verse of historical events, sometimes including legendary material, presented in chronological order and without authorial interpretation or comment.
2. A detailed narrative record or report.
3. Chronicles (used with a sing. verb) Abbr. Chr. or
Chron. chron·i·cling , chron·i·cles To in or in the form of a historical record.
neu-rot-ic (noo-rot-ik)
–adjective
1. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of neurosis.
–noun
2. a neurotic person.
-A (Plainly, I'm an extremely Type-A person)
Since researchers started studying Type A personality over 50 years ago, it’s become a household term. Most people now know that Type A personality characteristics have something to do with being competitive and work-obsessed, and can bring an increased risk of health problems, but it’s not always understood exactly what traits constitute “Type A Behavior”, or exactly how these traits impact health and wellbeing.
So, that's it. I'll be displaying my complete and total neurotic ramblings very soon. To be continued!
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