In light of Jimmy’s recent attack of name calling and criticism, he has succeeded in one thing: Forcing me to spend far too many hours over-analyzing my faults and weaknesses (or as Jimmy perceives them anyway).
I’m already an overly analytical person, particularly for my age. It started as an insecure child, cultivated in my teens by my hyper-critical parents, and now a daily chore I put upon myself as a 30-year-old adult. It’s a detriment and blessing at the same time. Being conscious of my short-comings has enabled me to face them directly, but in some cases, develop that proverbial “protective shell” around myself and my heart.
Jimmy was keen to point out that I’m “monstrous, judgmental, uncaring, unforgiving, hateful, resentful, immature, etc.” While I realize the irony of someone else calling me “judgmental” in particular, my main focus in this post is to address my own thoughts. I can’t speak for Jimmy’s heart or train of thought, only my own.
My uncle recently pointed out that I’m very self-deprecating when he was complimenting me—and I was replying with an “its nothing” sort of response. I asked him, “Isn’t anything else just
bragging?” He seemed shocked to have to explain that accepting a compliment, or saying something positive about myself is not only OK but is not bragging, by any stretch. (I was just thrilled that my usually stern uncle was complimenting me! He says I’ve “always been a good kid.” *huge grin*)
What I’ve come to realize is that although I’m an optimistic person, I tend to speak more of “negative” things. It’s more fun to gossip, than to “brag” about ones’ work achievements, for example. I think this is a large part of my brother’s ill-formed judgments of me. Do others view me this way? Though I have a positive outlook, I do tend to vent about bad drivers, taxes, and the like. At times, I do speak ill of people and judge them. I realize that’s a major sin, and I’m guilty of it. I definitely have times of weakness and temptation… no doubt!
Most times when I speak about someone, I do find something positive to say. I’m the person who will compliment your shoes even if I don’t really like them myself. I always trust first, and risk hurt later. I’m not sure exactly where my positive self-esteem comes from, but I’m blessed enough to have it and I give soul credit to God. Nothing in this physical world has given me boundless praise—but I feel a greater love than I can describe. I’m confident in my relationship with the Lord, and that’s fulfilled my heart beyond human bounds. I pray that my atheist brother, and others, can some day find this peace.
Sure, I’m flawed, but I’m as God made me so no man may judge. My life experiences and new-found faith has brought me down a particular path, one that has not disappointed me. My only goal in this life is to become a better person each day and do kindness onto others. Sometimes I meet that goal, sometimes I fail. The day I succumbed to my brothers’ hateful words and responded in turn, I failed. When I tried to end it simply, he responded with further dissent, and I exploded. I was so angry with myself for going down to that level and validating his criticism of me. Of course, it only fueled his fire—of which I did not read and did not respond.
This experience has hurt me deeply, no doubt. However, I don’t hold ill-feelings toward him because I believe him to be misguided and “lost” to some extent. His lack of faith is, I believe, part of his hateful diatribe. Persons of certain spiritual awareness do not treat others this way—part of why I’m so disappointed that I retaliated at one point. Count retaliation and defensiveness as two of my weaknesses.
The core of my brother’s attack was unfortunately, our mother. In our 29 and 30 years, time with mom has been difficult for us both. She’s been in relationships that came before her children, some of which were abusive. To this day, I’m scared and anxious for the choices she makes in the relationship department. Learning that she’s dating her ex-husband who previously cheated on their marriage, and that of his other two wives, hurt me. She suspected that it would, and hid the relationship for several months from my brother and I. The lying hurt more because I found out on my own what had been going on under my nose. I took a few days to process what I learned and then came to a decision:
Newly married, I wanted to focus on my own relationship, not mom’s. I hadn’t seen Bob in several years and while I admit that his name brings back nothing but bad memories, I had to accept that they’re both adults and can do as they please. Besides, mom has always returned to past loves, this wasn’t unexpected. My choice was made to give her space to do as she pleases. Should “drama” take place again, I’ve got to let her deal with her own troubles. No more calling me in the middle of the night, no more sharing details that no daughter should know. I am happily creating boundaries for the first time in my life.
As I mentioned before, her choice to lie is what hurt me. We had been spending so much time together (every weekend, much to my husband’s dismay ;)) and then in stopped. My husband and I joked that “your mom must be dating again.” Sure enough… she was. I was secretly relieved that I was now given more “freedom” to be a newlywed. I would never say that to mom, but I was certainly thinking it!
Over the next few weeks, mom told me “we broke up and want nothing to do with each other”. I had my doubts, but...
Though the relationship was over; mom was still silent. No phone calls, no text. When I called or text, it would take hours to get a response. If we invited her out, the answer was no. So, doubts about her relationship status plagued me.
When she brought her taxes over for my husband to do, she asked me if we would do Nick’s (Bob’s adult son) as well. Admittedly, my emotions boiled over. I instantly started crying… reminding her that the last thing she told me is that they broke up. I remember wailing, “Why do you keep lying to me?!?”
She looked regretful and told me “You have no reason to trust me. And you shouldn’t.”
Up until this week, my brother had agreed whole-heartedly with me. He called our mother “insane” for being with Bob. I explained that I was just “staying out of it.”
Then came his attack. Unfortunately, he insulted not just me, but our mother, while simultaneously telling me
I treat her like crap. I won’t repeat what he said...
I apologize, this is becoming more of a vent session, than an exploration of my thoughts on our recent facebook exchange.
On point once again:While my brother might repeat that I’m “running” from my problems, I’m choosing to no longer speak with my brother on many topics unless and until I see that I can trust him once more. He must come to his own conclusions and he doesn’t need me to lead him. Nor, do I need him. I have one leader and His guidance has been enough for me so far. I certainly make mistakes, but I continue to have high-hopes and expectations for myself and how I choose to live life.
I see no other way and I’m proud of most of the decisions I’ve made so far.
Now on to the next 30 years… :)
Happy Mother’s Day to all—I’ll be enjoying breakfast and a matinee with mine :)
